The latest post has been influenced by a few different events recently but Mothers Day and some late nights hanging out in the lambing shed gave me the time to reflect and decide to share one part of our Journey as a family to give you an insight into the difficulties that can be faced as farming family.
Although the face of Agriculture is changing, no longer is it just the flat capped older gentleman stereotype but a huge array of people of all backgrounds choose to enter agriculture. However I still personally believe those stereotypes of who can farm most definitely exist in our sector, one event recently when I was purchasing some plumbing items and troughs, as I was being served the cashier said “ You’ve been sent out with a shopping list I see” to which I replied “well I am plumbing some troughs in so Ive got a few items I need” and the cashier replied with a look of slight surprise “ oh ok, well done you, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised in this day and age”. Although this is small harmless comment I have often been faced with inappropriate comments or a judgement passed based on my gender and I would say since becoming a mother this has further changed other people’s perceptions of me and my abilities.
There has been substantial media coverage of late of equality for women within employment, I have always been keen to promote Agriculture as a career for women and I hope through the process at Horner farm I can inspire others around me to follow the same career path. But when girls and women are constantly faced with negative phrases this can start to affect even the most strong minded individuals. When we found out about the farm tenancy we proudly told our friends and acquaintances of our achievement, yet often it was followed up with “so Mark will be farming full time then” we would correct them and explain no Holly is managing the livestock, to which a lot of people would reply “Well that’s going to be hard work for you and with Fergus” some of these comments are well meaning but some would be said with surprise and followed up with “how will you do that?”. What they didnt taken into account was the fact I already was doing it, Mum and I already farmed with Fergus in tow and it was working and yes, it is hard work but that’s farming for you.
The reason I want to draw this to attention is the fact that one comment has little effect, but each comment builds on another until you start to question your own sanity and think can I really do it?
Before I became a mother I never questioned the fact that if I put my mind to something I could achieve it, but having Fergus changed my whole world, I had to think about someone else constantly and you never get a second off. 14 months ago, when Fergus arrived something went slightly haywire in my brain, I didn't feel intense love for my child straight away at birth as other mothers describe, I felt trapped, I was constantly terrified something awful would happen to him or Mark. At 6 weeks I met with our health visitor, she asked how I was doing, I broke down in tears for an hour in their office, uncontrollable hideous gulping tears. This is not how I had expected motherhood to pan out.
I was so happy when I could convince my sister or mum to babysit for 3 hours so that I could vaccinate ewes or feed my goats, this is where I felt like me, Holly the farmer, not Fergus’s mum.
Over the last few days as I watch the ewes giving birth I often find myself comparing humans and sheep, each ewe acts slightly differently with their lamb, some immediately shower their lamb with licks and nibbles bleating softly to them, some lie there slightly dazed and some run terrified at what has just arrived.
I have only ever spoken to one friend about my post-natal depression diagnosis, because as mothers and women you don’t want to feel like a failure or for others to worry. Jenny has become a good friend since having Fergus and I am so glad I have had someone I felt I could talk to over the past year, she was able to offer support where at that time no one else could even if it was just a short five minutes after swimming.
The past year has had it ups and downs, yet the farming has been a constant and always has kept me sane. The opportunity for us to be here at Horner has meant I no longer have to bundle Ferg into a car to feed the goats every morning, I can design a work space and business to suit us all as a family. It has been like a cloud has lifted from my brain, so yes, it is hard work with Fergus and being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but running a farm that’s the easy job in comparison.
There are days as a family when you desperately want to achieve something quickly on the farm, yet due to the fact Fergus’ new found love which is to lie face down in puddles happily swiping his arms around, it is not always possible. Some days I leave him lying down in a puddle giggling to himself and other days when he tries to climb into the disinfectant bucket I race across the yard to haul it out of his reach, leaving another unfinished job, causing frustration for myself. I let him play with screws just so we can have meeting with our National trust land agent. But amongst all of this I know we are both happy in the roles we are carving out, he gets to run riot and have the childhood that my siblings and I were lucky enough to have and there are moments like today when I sat feeding him in the lambing shed watching the ewes and it all felt perfect.
Sometimes what people see can differ to the reality and what they say has a significant effect to the person they are saying it to, so every comment a woman may hear about their skills, abilities, or strength can chip away but it in turn make us that much more determined to achieve our goals. Because what they don’t realise is that we are all grafted from our Mothers roots and as we like to joke in our family our mother is probably the hardest working person we all know and she definitely passed this down to me.